If I was finishing up this article, this would be my closing statement. It is that strong of a line. The last paragraph built firmly around this fact…
Too Many Men Are Worried About Being Bald.
The final sentence would read something like, Today’s society makes it hard for a man to lose his hair and not lose a bit of confidence along with it. After proofing, having a few people read it early to see if I hit home with it… I would unleash it to the intra-web and it would find its way onto Digg’s front page… also it gets stumbled upon, everyone gives it the “thumbs up – I like it!”, Mixx-ers decide to share and share alike and before long Shala and I spend our afternoons at coffee shops writing articles for the NYT and Shala guest posts on Perez after her and Dooce grab a quick lunch.
You know. Intra-web stardom. What else would let you write a sentence that long and not tell you to find a new job.
It is true though, all the rambling aside. Men are worried about this bald thing. Guys who never even considered being bald, wake up in the morning and all of a sudden realize…
What Do I Do About Being Bald?
What kind of hat can I wear when I’m bald, what type of haircut looks good bald, can I fix my bald problem… it goes on and on and on. Their mind racing with the realization that no matter what – I will never have hair again. This is trippin’ guys out all over the world. And it shouldn’t be.
How do I know about this being a problem, simple enough? I wrote a post on why I thought “Bald is the new black” and it made its way all around the net and along with it we get tons of traffic now from dudes searching about their “problem” because of going bald. It is sad really, since I am of the school of owning it. Going bald is not the end of the world – there are much worse things.
We talked about it and thought it was worth posting some of the search results and answering questions and basically let people know it is OK… you are not going to die. You are not the first nor the last, nor the only person going bald. Welcome. You’re in the club now. “God… grant me the serenity to accept the things…” You know the routine. 😉
Lets get to the searches (the fun stuff), enough with the empty rhetoric…
“Looking Good Bald”
Well of course, why wouldn’t people be searching this? I mean if you are going to go bald you might as well be looking good while doing so. I think this is etched into our minds because of the television and media’s constant obsession with image. Really the search term more than likely means… “How Do I Look Good Bald?” Good question. Perhaps the first move is shaving it off. Make it all uniform as far as length. This can make bald so much better. You don’t see Chris Daughtry with the Bozo side pieces do you? No, he is rockin’ the bald head. Bruce Willis doesn’t walk around with a comb over right? He owns it and moves on.
Don’t be spending your nights searching “how to look good going bald”, spend it having fun and not worrying about your newly acquired dome. It isn’t a big deal, chicks dig bald dudes – they want to rub your head… they just do. So go get your head rubbed… and quit asking Google “why me”?
“How to Shave Your Head Bald If You Are Black?”
The same way you would shave it if you are white. With clippers, a razor… you know – it isn’t rocket science. Here watch a video on how to shave your head. Sorry it is a white dude… hope it will work. The good thing about shaving your head is the fact that you can’t really mess it up as… you are shaving it bald. Of course you could cut yourself, unless your crazy with a razor… this shouldn’t be that big of a deal either. You could use one these Styptic Pencils if you have one… kinda looks gay though, don’t keep it where anyone else could see it.
“Is Bald Bad?” and “Is Bald Good?”
I assume this was written by the same guy. Probably searched once and found our site, then searched the opposite since the answer didn’t sit well with him. The second search finding my article and him realizing… shit, this Double Danger must be the new Google. They have the answer for everything. He then hangs out with his friend that weekend and makes the social mistake of saying… “Yeah, I Double Danger’d that the other day.” The room goes quiet and the poor guy thinks it is because he is bald… not the fact he is a intra-web invalid.
Is being bald bad? No. It is the hand you were dealt, do you want to play it as 2-9 off-suit or like you got pocket rockets? Is being bald good? Who can determine this other than yourself? If your Mom told you going bald was good, would that make it better for you? It is what it is… is having hair good? There are pros and cons to being bald and so just like anything else it is personal preference. If someone is shallow enough to not like you because you are bald… you probably don’t really need them as a friend, what do you think?
“How Would I Look Like If I Was Bald?”
Similar to what you look like now, but without hair. That is how it works. Next I can show you how you would look like without money. A car. Next week we will try sideburns. Image once again prevails. I can understand if you are making a drastic changed from maybe hippie hair to bald or a mullet or something… but how else to try than to just do it. How would the internet know what you will look like bald, black, orange, short, fat, hungry, hairy… come on.
Thanks for shopping at the “internet”, we are all out of time-machines also. So we won’t know what you will look like when you were 3, 19 or 87. Geez. <– Shala 😉
I wrote all that, then found this site that shows you how you would look bald. Damnit. So I guess the time-machine thing was a lie… who’s the invalid now?
“Does a Bald Hairstyle Good On A Fat Guy?
I hate when you type a sentence and forget an entire word. I do it all the damn time. My brain thinks faster than my fingers sometimes. Shala will proof my post and go…
“What does… ‘Cook a food in it’ mean?”
This guy surely did the same. “Look” is such a trivial word really. Who really needs verbs? Only kidding, this search was actually me. Being fat and bald throws two curveballs at you at once. I don’t know about you, but I can’t swing that fast. So fat guys are always trying to figure out ways to make them look a little better – and this is one of those times that once again preference plays heavily. You might as well ask the internet – “Do you like chicken when you are bald?” It doesn’t matter. Being fat is not healthy for you and instead of fixing that problem you want to cover it up with a haircut. Don’t make me write an article about how mullets are the new fat guy haircut. I have that power.
“Winter Hats For Bald Men.”
When did this become such a big issue? I mean is a hoodie not enough anymore, is a beanie not ok? How about a ball cap? Come on… there isn’t enough options, and why does it matter if you are bald or not… it is going to be covered by a hat right? This one blows my mind.
It is like asking… what kind of shirt looks good with a third nipple? IT DOESN’T MATTER! It is covered up. If you are looking for a winter hat that looks good on your bald head – how about a dunce hat? Moving on.
And finally the topper of all bald men searches…
“I Can’t Accept My Baldness.”
Well at least he’s honest. It isn’t always the easiest thing to accept, but it is what it is. Unless you want to spend big bucks on bald products to help bring it back – you pretty much have no choice to accept it. Searching the internet for some type of bald man’s resource center is not the answer. Try going outside, looking up at the sky and stretching. Rub your bald ass head and say… ok, I’m ready… I’m ready to accept this. Then move on. So many people worry about this, and it isn’t worth their time.
Bald men, chill out… you are burning up the internet looking for answers that shouldn’t matter. I hope this post makes you realize that it isn’t that big of a deal and overall you are wasting valuable time. Love your new hair style, love your new hat, love your baldness… then go find someone that will love you with or without hair. You have to love yourself first though.