HOLY HELL: Movie Theater Etiquette

It has been a while since I had to put together one of these HOLY HELL posts.  I try to be the duck most of the time… you know, let things roll off your back for the post part.  However, after yesterday’s venture to the movie theater, I had to throw one together.

Let me explain something, we had pretty much written off the movie theaters for the most part.  I mean if it is a really good movie that “has to be seen” in the theater, then ok… but most of the time it really isn’t a big deal for us to wait until something is released on DVD.  We have a nice big TV at home and there is something about being able to lay on your own couch, in your comfortable clothes… with a regulated temperature that just one-ups any trip to the movie theater.

So we saw the new Batman movie the weekend it came out… good (besides the front row seats), so we were slowly becoming ok with the whole movie theater again.  The next weekend, we saw Wanted… perfect seats, great experience, good movie… thanks again movie theater.

Yesterday (Sunday), we were laying around bored out of our brains and decided to go and hit up the movies again.  I guess we were on a movie kick and really we had no clue what to watch.  We looked and I said, lets go laugh – Stepbrothers is out, and it should make us laugh.  Shala agreed, and we headed out.

You expect to drop some cash at the movie theater… that is just how it is.  So 15 bucks for tickets… then we hit the concessions (the only reason we really go I think – popcorn).  Now I know that everyone has heard it, seen it and lived it… but I have to say it also.  ONLY in a movie theater can you take a 32oz. fountain drink (that costs all of about 30 cents to produce) and sell it for 6 dollars.  6 bucks… I mean this is the same drink that over at the corner convenience store costs 79 cents.  However, when it Rome… get to paying 6 dollars for a coke.  Isn’t that the saying?

Anyhow, so we did… 6 bucks and then of course popcorn.  10 bucks there.  No biggie, lets go watch the movie.

Now I understand marketing.  I know that the invention of TiVo and DVR(s) has ruined the commercial as we know it.  I understand that the only place that advertisers are guaranteed that someone will sit and watch a commercial is when they have paid 30 bucks to sit for 2 hours.  Of course you can show up late, but if you are like us… you like to watch previews and used to they started 10-15 min before the movie.  Nope, not anymore.

They now start when the movie is supposed to start, and 15 minutes before you get to sit through Sprite, tampon, Samsung Instinct and whatever else type of commercials that normally you would fast forward through at home.  I’m cool with it.  What are you going to do?  I don’t care.  Seldom do commercials really make me pay attention and seldom do I actually remember what I just watched… so bring on the commercials.  Actually, if it means you will keep product placement and freakin’ built-in commercials out of my regular TV… keep ’em coming.

Here is where things get fun.  Or stupid… yeah, that is more like it.  So Shala and I get there about 5 minutes early and grab a seat on the end where she is huggin’ the aisle.  It is a smaller theater with no side seats (you know the 4 seat sets that hug each wall usually), so these ensure that we would have the least contact with people… hopefully.

The movie is far from packed.  So lots of space to be comfortable and have your own space.

Well, right off the bat there is a family that sits right in front of us with two kids under 5 and a baby that was probably 2 months old.  We don’t have kids.  I know some of you are going to get pissed at me and my views… but I don’t care.  If this was a movie like “Space Monkeys” or “Journey To The Center Of The Earth 3D”… I wouldn’t say this.  But this is a movie that was rated “R”.   “R” people… “R”.  It isn’t rated “R” for the fun of it.  This is a movie laden with the F-bomb.  Jokes about anatomy, constant stuff that kids just don’t need to see.  Period. 

Would you want your kid watching some dude putting his balls all over a set of drums… I mean balls, literally – not the idea of ball… but actual balls.  Yup, totally showing them.

I wouldn’t.

And I know the 2 month old just loved the movie…  I’m sure her first words will be douche bag.  **shakes head**

The kids… hell, they will have to deal with them when they are putting their balls on stuff when they get home – but bringing a 2 month old to a theater… I just don’t think its the place for them.  I don’t want a baby staring at me when the Mom is trying to burp it… I’m just trying to watch Mr. Farrell drop the f-bomb… remember?  haha

And when your baby starts crying – you better get up and leave.  Period. 

Ok – so there is your insensitive moment of the day, brought to you by James and his inability to show compassion for those that have kids and take them 2 months out of the womb – directly to a rated “R” movie.  Go ahead and hate me.


So, then… remember the WHOLE FREAKIN’ THEATER IS PRACTICALLY OPEN, and this couple walks in.  Now I’m not the most in shape person in the land, so it is always hard for me to call people overweight, or anything like that.  But these two folks were overweight… no big deal.  But, listen – this dude was prolly 350 or so.  Now I’m about 215 these days, but I have broad shoulders and so those little seats, they just don’t mix well with me. 

Not to mention, there is an unspoken law with dudes.  Dudes don’t sit next to dudes… period.  You just don’t do it.  Someone has to use the armrest and women and snuggle up with their hubby/bf or whatever and share one… but dudes… nope.  I mean what happens if you accidentally brush legs or elbows, not cool. 

So here we set and these folks need in, so we do the side leg shuffle to try and give them some room to get by.  I’m sure they did the Fight Club question in their heads… “what should I give them… the ass or the crotch… hmmm”  We got the ass in the face, which considering the alternative – is fine.

I expect them to mosey (that is Texan for move) on down a ways… nope.  Plops right down next to me.  The dude does.  Thanks bro.  Let’s share this little armrest together.  Let’s be friends.  While your at it… why don’t we share popcorn and we will grab an extra straw for our soda.  Son of a…

This guy is a big dude… so he is all up in my business.  Awesome. 

Chalk another one up to movie theaters.

We get re-settled, you know… you lean over to your spouse’s side a bit more, shift your butt towards the person crowdin’ your space and hope you can make it for 2 hours without your entire lower body falling alseep.  After the resettling, the movie is close to starting and some people come and sit directly behind us.  By the sound of them, I assume they were 18 year old boys with the way they giggled every time someone said the f-word or weiner or someone fell down or someone punched someone or… you get the idea.

No big deal.  People have to sit right?  They have to sit… right FREAKIN’ AROUND US LIKE WE HAVE A SPECIAL SCENT THAT ATTRACTS IDIOTS AND A-HOLES – HOLY HELL.  These guys felt obligated to keep us awake by kicking the back of our seats every time they took a drink of coke, ate a bite of popcorn, ate a bite of sugar babies… ate … you get the idea.

Awesome yet again.  Chalk another one up for the grand old money machine we call Hollywood Theaters.  Thank you.

Before I wrap this up… I have to say one more thing. 

I understand that some people love the experience of the movies, therefore everything about it is cool.  So much fun.  We sat in the theater waiting for the show to start watching commercials and people were laughing and ooooooohing and awwwwing through the COMMERCIALS.  REALLY!!?!?  Commercials are that cool?  Come on already.  You haven’t seen this Sprite commercial 10 times in the last week?  It is that cool still?

Oh and if I hear one more person say…

“Oh I gotta see that…”

EVERYTIME a preview comes on.  You aren’t wispering, I can hear you.  I also heard you say you needed tampons when that commercial came on.  Give me a break.

Sorry guys… had to get it out.  The movie, ho-hum… I mean we laughed a few times, but it was just too over the top with foul language and fart & poop jokes to be that funny.  Maybe if you are 10 years old and those things make you laugh still.  I’m sure your mother will take you… and you will sit in front of us.

I can say that this movie experience has sent us back home with vengence.  We will be lovin’ our TV, couch and the fact we don’t have to sit next to every idiot in the world.  Thank you movie theater… you will be missed.  Kinda.

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