HOLY HELL: Movie Theater Etiquette

It has been a while since I had to put together one of these HOLY HELL posts.  I try to be the duck most of the time… you know, let things roll off your back for the post part.  However, after yesterday’s venture to the movie theater, I had to throw one together.

Let me explain something, we had pretty much written off the movie theaters for the most part.  I mean if it is a really good movie that “has to be seen” in the theater, then ok… but most of the time it really isn’t a big deal for us to wait until something is released on DVD.  We have a nice big TV at home and there is something about being able to lay on your own couch, in your comfortable clothes… with a regulated temperature that just one-ups any trip to the movie theater.

So we saw the new Batman movie the weekend it came out… good (besides the front row seats), so we were slowly becoming ok with the whole movie theater again.  The next weekend, we saw Wanted… perfect seats, great experience, good movie… thanks again movie theater.

Yesterday (Sunday), we were laying around bored out of our brains and decided to go and hit up the movies again.  I guess we were on a movie kick and really we had no clue what to watch.  We looked and I said, lets go laugh – Stepbrothers is out, and it should make us laugh.  Shala agreed, and we headed out.

You expect to drop some cash at the movie theater… that is just how it is.  So 15 bucks for tickets… then we hit the concessions (the only reason we really go I think – popcorn).  Now I know that everyone has heard it, seen it and lived it… but I have to say it also.  ONLY in a movie theater can you take a 32oz. fountain drink (that costs all of about 30 cents to produce) and sell it for 6 dollars.  6 bucks… I mean this is the same drink that over at the corner convenience store costs 79 cents.  However, when it Rome… get to paying 6 dollars for a coke.  Isn’t that the saying?

Anyhow, so we did… 6 bucks and then of course popcorn.  10 bucks there.  No biggie, lets go watch the movie.

Now I understand marketing.  I know that the invention of TiVo and DVR(s) has ruined the commercial as we know it.  I understand that the only place that advertisers are guaranteed that someone will sit and watch a commercial is when they have paid 30 bucks to sit for 2 hours.  Of course you can show up late, but if you are like us… you like to watch previews and used to they started 10-15 min before the movie.  Nope, not anymore.

They now start when the movie is supposed to start, and 15 minutes before you get to sit through Sprite, tampon, Samsung Instinct and whatever else type of commercials that normally you would fast forward through at home.  I’m cool with it.  What are you going to do?  I don’t care.  Seldom do commercials really make me pay attention and seldom do I actually remember what I just watched… so bring on the commercials.  Actually, if it means you will keep product placement and freakin’ built-in commercials out of my regular TV… keep ’em coming.

Here is where things get fun.  Or stupid… yeah, that is more like it.  So Shala and I get there about 5 minutes early and grab a seat on the end where she is huggin’ the aisle.  It is a smaller theater with no side seats (you know the 4 seat sets that hug each wall usually), so these ensure that we would have the least contact with people… hopefully.

The movie is far from packed.  So lots of space to be comfortable and have your own space.

Well, right off the bat there is a family that sits right in front of us with two kids under 5 and a baby that was probably 2 months old.  We don’t have kids.  I know some of you are going to get pissed at me and my views… but I don’t care.  If this was a movie like “Space Monkeys” or “Journey To The Center Of The Earth 3D”… I wouldn’t say this.  But this is a movie that was rated “R”.   “R” people… “R”.  It isn’t rated “R” for the fun of it.  This is a movie laden with the F-bomb.  Jokes about anatomy, constant stuff that kids just don’t need to see.  Period. 

Would you want your kid watching some dude putting his balls all over a set of drums… I mean balls, literally – not the idea of ball… but actual balls.  Yup, totally showing them.

I wouldn’t.

And I know the 2 month old just loved the movie…  I’m sure her first words will be douche bag.  **shakes head**

The kids… hell, they will have to deal with them when they are putting their balls on stuff when they get home – but bringing a 2 month old to a theater… I just don’t think its the place for them.  I don’t want a baby staring at me when the Mom is trying to burp it… I’m just trying to watch Mr. Farrell drop the f-bomb… remember?  haha

And when your baby starts crying – you better get up and leave.  Period. 

Ok – so there is your insensitive moment of the day, brought to you by James and his inability to show compassion for those that have kids and take them 2 months out of the womb – directly to a rated “R” movie.  Go ahead and hate me.


So, then… remember the WHOLE FREAKIN’ THEATER IS PRACTICALLY OPEN, and this couple walks in.  Now I’m not the most in shape person in the land, so it is always hard for me to call people overweight, or anything like that.  But these two folks were overweight… no big deal.  But, listen – this dude was prolly 350 or so.  Now I’m about 215 these days, but I have broad shoulders and so those little seats, they just don’t mix well with me. 

Not to mention, there is an unspoken law with dudes.  Dudes don’t sit next to dudes… period.  You just don’t do it.  Someone has to use the armrest and women and snuggle up with their hubby/bf or whatever and share one… but dudes… nope.  I mean what happens if you accidentally brush legs or elbows, not cool. 

So here we set and these folks need in, so we do the side leg shuffle to try and give them some room to get by.  I’m sure they did the Fight Club question in their heads… “what should I give them… the ass or the crotch… hmmm”  We got the ass in the face, which considering the alternative – is fine.

I expect them to mosey (that is Texan for move) on down a ways… nope.  Plops right down next to me.  The dude does.  Thanks bro.  Let’s share this little armrest together.  Let’s be friends.  While your at it… why don’t we share popcorn and we will grab an extra straw for our soda.  Son of a…

This guy is a big dude… so he is all up in my business.  Awesome. 

Chalk another one up to movie theaters.

We get re-settled, you know… you lean over to your spouse’s side a bit more, shift your butt towards the person crowdin’ your space and hope you can make it for 2 hours without your entire lower body falling alseep.  After the resettling, the movie is close to starting and some people come and sit directly behind us.  By the sound of them, I assume they were 18 year old boys with the way they giggled every time someone said the f-word or weiner or someone fell down or someone punched someone or… you get the idea.

No big deal.  People have to sit right?  They have to sit… right FREAKIN’ AROUND US LIKE WE HAVE A SPECIAL SCENT THAT ATTRACTS IDIOTS AND A-HOLES – HOLY HELL.  These guys felt obligated to keep us awake by kicking the back of our seats every time they took a drink of coke, ate a bite of popcorn, ate a bite of sugar babies… ate … you get the idea.

Awesome yet again.  Chalk another one up for the grand old money machine we call Hollywood Theaters.  Thank you.

Before I wrap this up… I have to say one more thing. 

I understand that some people love the experience of the movies, therefore everything about it is cool.  So much fun.  We sat in the theater waiting for the show to start watching commercials and people were laughing and ooooooohing and awwwwing through the COMMERCIALS.  REALLY!!?!?  Commercials are that cool?  Come on already.  You haven’t seen this Sprite commercial 10 times in the last week?  It is that cool still?

Oh and if I hear one more person say…

“Oh I gotta see that…”

EVERYTIME a preview comes on.  You aren’t wispering, I can hear you.  I also heard you say you needed tampons when that commercial came on.  Give me a break.

Sorry guys… had to get it out.  The movie, ho-hum… I mean we laughed a few times, but it was just too over the top with foul language and fart & poop jokes to be that funny.  Maybe if you are 10 years old and those things make you laugh still.  I’m sure your mother will take you… and you will sit in front of us.

I can say that this movie experience has sent us back home with vengence.  We will be lovin’ our TV, couch and the fact we don’t have to sit next to every idiot in the world.  Thank you movie theater… you will be missed.  Kinda.

18 thoughts on “HOLY HELL: Movie Theater Etiquette”

  1. Oh, my God! I just had to laugh at your post, because I’ve said and almost been through the same things myself. Dave and I rarely go to the theater anymore. if we do, it’s usually a matinee and it’s for a movie that has been out for a long, long time and hopefully it won’t be too crowded. But, even then….I swear I’m an annoyance magnet! People talking throughout movies and kicking the back of my seats are the ones that get me.

    Yes, we have a big screen TV at home and a nice surround system. Give me a Dolby Digital DVD in the comfort of my own home with my kitty cats and my Maine Man any day.

    And the kids being brought to an “R” rated movie? Don’t even get me started!! I swear people should have a license to be parents.

    We feel your pain! Enjoy your MUCH cheaper movies at home with the amount of food you want.

  2. Your gonna start hatin on me now, but I took a two week old baby to Interview with a Vampire. He didn’t bug anybody though. He slept under my shirt the whole time. He is a teenager now. Maybe I should keep that infromation to myself.

  3. @deb – haha, well actually the baby was the least problem out of the whole theater… but the other two kids, I just couldn’t believe they were at that movie.

  4. I hear ya bro – with all of my kids, we usually do the drive-in if we’re gonna do the movies – if not, it’s ALWAYS a kid movie when they go – you know me, mine aren’t going to go to anything worse than “G”. We do the drive in because if Luke wants to scream his lungs out, noone cares, they just crank up their speakers… it’s the perfect situation for me…

    BUT – when we do go to those movies, i expect to have kids yelling/screaming/crawling/moving all over the place – and when you guys finally have kids, you will too – but I get what you are saying, and in the context – i woulda likely been a little perturbed myself…

    The lil guys, newborns to about 4 months, usually are cool, because all they do is sleep when it gets dark…

    Anyway, I’m not hating, and I agree that the level of common sense and parenting both have gone down tremendously.

  5. @tim – I don’t expect to have kids yelling/screaming/crawling/moving all over the place when I go see a rated R movie. Thats all I’m saying. Regardless if I have kids or not.

    Yeah the newborn was actually the best thing compared to the grown guy next to me, the kids behind us and everything else.

    geeez… who takes their kids to rated R movies… really.

  6. Ok, I just hafta add to this rant… We can park my wife’s shiny little red sports car as far out in the boonies as is possible in the movie theater parking lot so as to avoid having some big beastly 4×4 or some hunka junka old crappy car park next to us and ding the hll out of the door and yet… and yet… you know it’s coming, right? We come out of the movies and way out there in the desolate far-reaches of the parking lot sits Caliente with some other car spooned right up next to it as tight as can be!

    There’s a whole damn lot of empty spaces, but some lugnut had to park his ol’ heap next to our freshly washed (and hand-waxed) baby! For the love of all that’s good in this world, why would ya do that? Why would you go out of your way to park in the back lot nestled right up close to our car when there are a dozen other spaces that would require half as much a hike?


  7. Sorry and your going to hate me for this, but you could have moved to a different seat. There is the whole movie theater. Sheesh!

    Anyway, I agree with others those newborns are great for taking to the movies. Esp. if you take them during thier regular scheduled nap time. For the 5 yr old that is just obsurd. This is why we have violence. Because they are exposed to it way to early.

  8. @Rob O. – haha, dude, sorry we parked next to you in our hunk of junk. haha I hear ya, the movies are really not high on my list these days. Wait… there is one list that they rank pretty high on.

    @Cathy – WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT!! haha definitely an option, but at some point it was almost comical at all the things.

    I really didn’t have much of a problem with the 2 mth old – he/she slept most of the time, until it was burpin’ time. The other kiddos… man, I felt bad for those little guys.

  9. As to your reply to me: “I don’t expect to have kids yelling/screaming/crawling/moving all over the place when I go see a rated R movie.”

    When I said this:

    BUT – when we do go to those movies, i expect to have kids yelling/screaming/crawling/moving all over the place – and when you guys finally have kids, you will too – but I get what you are saying, and in the context – i woulda likely been a little perturbed myself…

    What I was meaning by “those” movies – i was talking about the movies in my previous paragraph which are the “G” movies, created for the kids – when you go to those, you just know there will be kids and they will be screaming and playing and… and… etc, etc…

    Just didn’t want you thinking I was talking about the “R” movies and kids…

  10. @tim – for sure, I totally expect the same when I go there and I don’t have kids haha.

    Kung Fu Panda = 10 million kids crawling and using me as a jungle james.

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre = no kids.


  11. Yep, when you go to a movie where kids are allowed (G or PG) then that’s okay, but to take young ones into an “R” rated movie? Shame on the movie theater for letting them.

    I’ve taken my niece and nephew to movies but they’re for KIDS, so I expect lots of kids and actually enjoy their reactions to things throughout the movie. I understand getting a sitter can be difficult and sometimes you just gotta get out of the house and do something for yourself.

  12. @Heidi – yeah I think there should be a law on not allowing anyone under a certain age – parent or not.

    There is, isn’t there? I thought there was a 17 year old rule in effect for Rated R’s ?? I’ll have to call Lenny Nutt and ask him – he’s the GM for the hollywood theatre.

  13. I kinda hafta agree with Cathy in that people carelessly exposing their too-young children to inappropriately violent and/or graphic material (a.k.a. entertainment) is probably a real key to some of the problems we’re having these days. But then again, it’s not just movies…

    I’ll bet we all know someone who let’s their kids play (and quickly master) video games like GTA or Call of Duty where the mail goals are most often senseless killing and carnage. The kinds of gratiutous violence that’s routine in video games today would’ve earned a movie an “X” rating not that many years ago.

  14. Here! Here! I haven’t been to the theater in about 2 years. I costs a ridiculous amount of money. There are ALWAYS teenagers that think it’s perfectly alright to comment (out loud) on everything in every scene. The floors are sticky. There’s always that “big” person that sits right in front of me with their big ‘ol head that I can’t see over. Then there’s the annoyance of having to move over so everyone in the row can go to the bathroom, one…by…one…
    I just wait til what I want to see comes out on DVD, it’s a whole lot less frustratin’.
    People who take young children to rated R movies are just inexcusable. I couldn’t even watch Blue Lagoon until I was like 14!

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