For those that don’t participate in Mama Kat’s Weekly Writing Assignment, it is a great way to hone in on your blogging skills, or writing skills (if your old school)… and at the same time it lets folks into your life one little blog post at a time. It is fun, and if you want to participate, check this link and you will learn what to do and how to do it.
This week I (James) chose to write a letter to someone I miss. I chose my Brother. Sorry for the somber tone, but it comes from the heart and it really is a great way to get some things out that otherwise… sit and ferment. So here ya go.
Hey bro. Sorry it has been so long since the last time I wrote. Guess I have been busy. Busy is not even the word lately. Busy in both ways… good & bad. It is a long story. I’m sure you have been watching and hey… if you have, and you have any pull up there, see if God could shine a little light down on a brother. I’m not sure what kinda processes they have up there, dunno what kinda red tape you have to go through to get some love… but see what you can do. We would appreciate it.
Work is a bitch too. I mean its going good, but just stressful at times. I know you always told me to stick to my brain instead of my hands when it came to work… but sometimes I think you had it better. I know your worked your ass off, but there is just something about going home at a certain time and your job being done until the next. I bet you never had a fender call and say…
“Hey, I need a second top coat… could you come up and get me painted?”
Nope. Doubt you did. In fact I bet that feeling of completion is hard to compete with. I wish sometimes I could leave my work at work. Guess sitting in the a/c all day, staring at a computer has its perks… but they are hard to see at times. Oh well. I’m still blowing & going though… using my brain. You better be right.
I miss you man. Sometimes when I’m working outside, I think of all those times we used to work with Grandpa when we were younger. Me, you… Staven. Scooter. All of us. Grandpa just working like he was 20 years old (even though he was in his 60’s) and us trying to keep up. The work ethic he instilled in us is priceless. But that feeling of working beside your brother is just as priceless as well. What was funny though is back then I couldn’t stand you. As I’m sure you couldn’t stand me either… and now I would give anything to work beside you again.
I seem to regret more and more about our relationship as I get older and realize that I can’t do anything to fix it. I mean I can’t count how many times you called and I wasn’t home or I was and just didn’t want to talk (because I didn’t have a job and didn’t want to explain to you why). I was embarrased to talk to you about that stuff because you never were the one without a job. You were a working fool. Fool is a bad word… “man” is better. So you would call and I would hear you talk on the machine… I wish I could listen to those messages again.
Then it came to the point where you wouldn’t even leave messages… because what was the point. I mean I never seemed to “find the time”… because I was “soooo busy”… doing jack-shit. I hate myself for that. I was an idiot. Still am at times.
But that isn’t anything new. I have regretting that for the past 3 years at least. Actually the minute I knew you were sick I began to regret it. I thought… WTF WAS I THINKING. What kind of brother was I? What kind of brother am I? Shitty… thats what. I wish I could tell you I was sorry and you could just grab me and pull me in for a side hug and tell me to shut up and quit being a pussy. Because that is how we handled things.
I miss having those slap boxing fights out in the dusty drive way each time I came down to see yall. I remember when I realized I wasn’t as big of a wuss as I thought and finally decided if we were going to go at it… I might as well try a little. Remember before then I would just ball up turtle-style and try not to get roughed up. Finally you would call me something similar to a vagina and then it would be over. But when I finally realized I was grown and that you didn’t hold all the power anymore, we had fun times from that point forward. I would give anything to beat your ass down again. Or at least try. I would probably let you win… since I would feel sorry for your pitiful old ass. haha j/k
Sister says hi. She misses you too. I remember the first time you called after Shala & I got married and you said…
“Lemme talk to Sister.”
I was kinda confused, but then realized that well… technically she was your sister now and how she thought it was cool that you wanted to talk to her. “I love Kenny.” She was happy about that. Sometimes I write something on the blog, or we hear a song or watch a movie and we are reminded of your passing and she will break down. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that she knows how much it hurts me and how she would feel if she lost a sibling… but a lot of it also has to do with the fact that she straight misses you. We always had fun coming down and seeing you, it was never a hassle… I mean most of the time it was BBQ & beers… which now is pretty much a staple at our house.
Oh yeah… our house.
We won’t go into that, it is sort of a sore subject at the moment… but I wish you could have come and seen it. That is something we didn’t get to share with you. In fact we would have loved to have your help when we moved from that damn apartment to the new house. Shala’s Dad still talks about how hard of a worker you were that day we moved into that damn apartment. He says you were “something else”. And I agree. We laugh at the circus of putting the couches in through the balcony… remember that? Son of a… You should have seen the backwards circus (sucric?) of taking them out from the balcony. Equally as funny. Except you weren’t there.
When we got everything unloaded that day moving into the new house, we didn’t really unpack much. We ended up throwing some burgers on the grill and putting some beers down with some good friends. It was very cool. The whole time, even though we were amongst some of our greatest friends… I couldn’t help but miss you the most right then. Beer in hand, Opa’s on the grill… you would have pulled me in for a side-hug again…
“Man, this is what it is all about. Now you just need to have a boy to keep the family name alive.”
You always gave me a hard time about that, since you had two girls and no boys. You put that on me like a bad suit and made me wear it for everyone to see. Don’t worry… Anna still keeps it alive. She reminds us when she sees us that we are in debt to the family to have a boy. YES WE KNOW. haha A cross (pun intended) we happily will carry. Kids aren’t a part of life yet… but they are coming, promise. And if there is anything I can do to ensure it is a boy… I will do so. I think if I stand on my head… eat pears… and we do it on a Tuesday… it might just do it. Or something.
I better wrap this thing up… you know me, once you get me going – I could go on for days. I don’t have days, in fact I’m pressed for minutes these days. Life is too damn fast. I know, I know… tell you about it. I am trying to slow down… promise ya.
Tell Dad I said hi, and that I miss him too. I will pass your love to everyone else. Don’t get into too much trouble up there… I don’t know the rules or if they can pull your card for anything. Hell, if they could you probably would have found out by now. If so, hope I don’t get a return to sender on this. haha Take it easy bro.
Love ya – like a brother… no homo,
Well said James, well said. At times it feels good to put things down on paper (typing for the computer).
I didn’t know Kenny personally but from what I have heard of him, he sounded like a very great person. I would have liked to meet him. But remember, he would want for you to keep on going with life and all the choices you make will always have a positive outcome. It seems like both of ya’ll carry the same work ethic (which I admire).
This was gorgeous… and it made me cry. Thanks for sharing.
Well this is the first time I’ve come over here to read–and, like a typical female–my heart goes out to you. Your brother does sound like an amazing guy.
@Corey – I wish more of my friends could have met him. We lived so far apart that it was few and far between when we got together. Thanks for the kind words.
@Diane – Thanks for stopping by, sorry for the tears… I hate makin’ folks cry in the morning. Night is ok, do that all the time… its the morning that bothers me. haha
@Jennifer P. – Thanks for coming over then. We let typical girls come over. But then we make fun of them when they cry (see above). Hope you come by more often. We both (Shala & I) have been to your site before… you know, one of those endless blog to blog, to blog to blog days… then you have no clue how you got there or how to get back. haha I just remember the fonts and different sizes… good stuff.
what happened with the house, yo?
@ghost – still in limbo… we will let everyone know when we have figured it out.
Very poignant letter. I can’t imagine the loss of a sibling, but even so – I’m thinking I might have to stop being an ass & talk more to them. It’s hard when we live so far away, but I think I need to make more of an effort. They don’t try much, either. I have a bit to teach them and myself.
Thanks for posting this.
And yet another reminder to not forget the ones we love. I think I need to go give my husband a hug and snuggle.
Wow…that gave me chills the whole way through!!!
@Lex the Mom – Thanks. You really should utilize the time you have, I regret that most. Distance isn’t an excuse. The phone & internet blows distance out of the park. Oh – and thanks for stopping by!
@Michelle – Go get a hug in. And thanks for stopping by.
@Mellisa – I hope they were meaningful chills. Thanks for coming and seeing us.
Thanks James. As if I don’t cry enough at my OWN posts now I’m crying at yours too. I cannot. CANNOT imagine losing a sibling. Ohhhh my heart physically hurts thinking about it. But carrying that guilt is not healthy! He knows, he’s fine and someday you will be together again and laugh about it all. I really believe that.
@Mama Kat – I guess I made a lot of folks cry. It’s all good now – I like getting it out. Making it known, in hopes it helps others get over whatever it is with their siblings and enjoy the time they have.
Cryer. Cry baby. 😉 All of you.
James–This was one of the posts that made me decide to post one about my sister’s death. Aren’t regrets a beast in the night?