A Double Danger (Christmas) Holiday Survival Guide

Like it or not, it looks like the holidays are upon us.  In fact, the first holiday just went whizzing past.

Remember that turkey smell a while back… that was Thanksgiving.

Coming back to you?  Oh well, you probably didn’t miss much anyhow.  Some of your family slept, some watched football and the ones that were left looked at circulars out of the newspaper (you know you did… or were you asleep?) in preparation for Black Friday. 

Black Friday… the day where people die for the love of shopping.  Not cool.

My goal is to give you some advice to keep you alive through the bigger of the two holidays… Christmas.  Sorry to my Jewish readers and any other holidays I don’t cover… I am not familiar – so feel free to do your own survival guide if you are offended.  Because I don’t really have the time or the knowledge to pull it off.

Turn your head and cough.

Ok – maybe that wasn’t the best header.  But the point is that you need to be on your toes during this season and stay away from that flu bug, sneezing kid or “stomach bug” friend you have calling you.  The worst start to the holidays is catching a cold.  Dealing with the holidays can be hard enough, but to do it while you are under the weather… dumb.

I know you can’t prevent it all, you are going to get that sniffly-nose at some point or that nagging cough… but curving it before it becomes a problem is the key.  The minute you get that twinge in your throat, or that burning feeling in your nose (you know the one, HOW CAN A NOSE BE SO CLEAN IT HURTS?!?) – you have to take action.

Some folks live by Airborne, some just take a HUGE dose of Vitamin C… each have their assigned haterz (yes, I say haterz – wh-wha-what?!) that will argue with you for hours on end.  I won’t argue.  If it works for you, get after it.  I do the Vitamin C thing, so – to each their own.  Like I said… don’t fight with me about it.  If you have a better option, throw it out there.  My Grandpa used to just liquor us up (hot tottie style) and wrap us in blankets and make us sweat it out.  Wait… that was my wife last night – just getting me drunk.  Never mind, everything is a bit blurry.

If you have a good insurance plan – head to the doc… if you have a bad one… ask a friend for some drugs.  Not those kinds of drugs, or those kinds of friends.  Wait a second… what kind of drugs do they have?  Call me.  Let’s hang out.  Let’s be friends.  Let’s be friends with your friends. 

I got off track.  Your friends ARE cool though.  What I was trying to say was that you should ask around to see if anyone has any left over meds.  I know people say you shouldn’t take other people’s meds… but I call those people – RICH.  Leave the poor to do whatever we have to do to remain healthy.

Another great way to stay healthy is to avoid sickness all together.  You could lock yourself in a closet until Jan. or Feb.  That works wonders… AND you will be one of the few that actually LOSE weight during the holidays.  A true win-win situation.  Seriously, you know where the flu hangs out.  Where kids hang out.  Schools, businesses, malls and myspace.  So try your best to avoid these like the plague… that was a sickness joke thingy.  And no matter what your Mom told you… you can’t get sick from wet hair.  You just get a cold head.  Which, I guess isn’t all that good either – but it isn’t the flu.  Do some research MOMs… geeze.

If at all possible, shop online.

Ever heard of anyone dying online from a stampede of shoppers?  Nope.  WHY risk your life for a Elmo and 2 more inches of TV for your bedroom?  Get it online.  Quit being a sucker.  People have been slowly coming around to internet shopping (for Christmas gifts) over the past few years – enough to now deem the day after the Black Friday weekend… CYBER MONDAY!  I don’t think it has the exclamation point after it in most cases, but I added for a dramatic effect.  I roll like that.  Sometimes.  But really though – the internet isn’t going to steal your credit card and use and abuse it on porno/online casinos/drugs.  And even if it did, what would make it any different than what you normally do with your credit card?  I mean how would you even tell it wasn’t legit charges?

Shopping online is something I have done for years.  There is just something about beating the rush, using the tools the internet gives you (Froogle, Nextag, Ebay) and coming out looking like a genius that you can’t put a freakin’ price on.  How often do you get a chance to shop in your underwear?  Not often enough if you ask me.  Here is your chance!

Underwear shopping rules.

Although shopping in your undies is the coolest part, the second coolest part is the discount codes you can find online.  Pretty much every online store has a spot to put in discount codes/coupon codes and so you have to take advantage of that.  You are thinking… “I don’t have any codes though – so how would I use it?”  Don’t be dumb.  THE INTERNET HAS THEM STUPID!  Just go searching.  Want one for Lowe’s?  Go search Google for “Lowe’s discount codes”.  You need one for Amazon?  You know what to do.  It might not be but 10%, but seriously… come the holiday season, every penny counts.

Of course you can shop online and have them ship it, but I will tell you another tip when you are shopping online.  IN STORE PICKUP.  If you really want to piss off the world… and when I say “world” I mean “people that shop in REAL stores in the REAL world instead of online” then you should order something online and then go pick it up in the store.  It is so much fun to walk up to the customer service desk and walk out with your items instead of having the “shop”.  Or at least it is for me.  Then I like to go walk besides people shopping for the same item and say – yeah I just picked that up.  See?!  Then kick them in their shins and run off.

That is what the holidays is all about right?

Don’t fight with your family, stay jolly-ish.

You might hate the way your brother-in-law picks on you or how your Mom just can’t stay away from the wine cabinet long enough to open presents… but the holidays are not the time to confront them.  People travel miles upon miles to be with their families and then spend it pissed off at each other.  Not cool at all.  You have to respect people during the holidays, you just have to… so deal with it.  After the new year, you can call them and tell them how stupid they are…  but not over the holidays – let it slide.

If you have to fight, try to do it drunk.  At least that way you will have an excuse and maybe worst parts will be forgotten out of drunken stupor alone. 

Who am I kidding – pretty much everything is done drunk during the holidays… so I would say fighting has about a 90% chance to be done while drunk.  It is just simple math.

Give something else besides Pixos or Converse.

Sometimes we forget that Christmas is about giving.  Unless it is what someone else is giving to us.  Or that laundry list of presents you have to buy for the kids in the family, the boss or mother-in-law.  But giving can be so much more than that.  I always try to help out charities and such if I can or throw money in the bucket for the bell-ringers come the holidays.  Personally the local charities mean more to us (Shala & I), simply because it can go to our community and really make a difference that we can see over time.

There is a feeling you get when giving to people that NEED things more than we do – that you can’t top.  It truly is the Christmas spirit in my mind.  The food is good, the family is great – but helping out your fellow man is what it is all about.

And Jesus.  Don’t forget that dude.  😉  HA HA HA – HO! HO! HO!

***Updated (from Heather)

Get silly with silly string.

Our family does silly string on Christmas morning – in the living room, so you can’t run very far when being attacked by 6 different colors of sprayed string flying through the air, thus ensuring a big colorful mess & much laughter & getting frustrations out. It works well for us. (Come to think of it, randomly spraying people with silly string would be a grand idea…)

What are a few tips you have about surviving the holidays?  Share them with us, and we will do our best to include them.  Shoot us an email or leave it in the comments area and we will add it accordingly.  If you enjoyed this post – subscribe to Double Danger.  Also – be sure to follow Double Danger on Twitter – TWEET!

2 thoughts on “A Double Danger (Christmas) Holiday Survival Guide”

  1. I just want you to know that the Anti-spam word is “wine”, further insisting that drinking be required.

    Our family does silly string on Christmas morning – in the living room, so you can’t run very far when being attacked by 6 different colors of sprayed string flying through the air, thus ensuring a big colorful mess & much laughter & getting frustrations out. It works well for us. (Come to think of it, randomly spraying people with silly string would be a grand idea…)

    Hope your Holidays are Happy too!

  2. i really dislike the holiday season. i saw three ladies throw down the other day in a firehouse sub shop. IT”S A BLOODY SANDWICH, PEOPLE!!! the one time a year you think peeps might be cool with others and im watching a big un death match while trying to enjoy a pastrami sandwich. people suck.

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